::Fairy On The Moon::

haiz...i know this is stupid but im feelin very confused and giddy now.
i jus wonder why i seem to attract all the wrong kind of guys but never the ones i like? sighz.. and those that i attract r the ones that i can never like..its very sad lor, and anywae, i really dunno wad the heck they ever see in me, u noe, how i alwaes feel like so flawed, so imperfect, so inadequate, and sometimes i think these guys may really be blind. i guess its nice knowing pple like you and knowing pple care. but its gets frustrating wen u noe u cant like them back, n wen they keep trying to come so close. ANd the worse is trying to explain to them why u guys can only be frends. i dun play, nor lead pple on, and im very straightfoward, so ill be like "no, we can only be frends", or "no i dun like you," n i guess it hurts pple, but i think its gona suck more if i toy with their feelings, and most of the time i dunno how to feel. its alwaes like a big fat joke to me wen someone tells me he likes me, becoz im like why? why? why? why? and then wen i like someone,n wen he dosent seem to notice, im like why? why? why? its either WHY does he like me, or WHy dosent he notice me..haha..oh well..wad to do?

anywae my assistant manager sucks big time, for everyone else who knows him , and for all my collegues who have already heard my grieviances many countless times, they probabaly know wad i mean. i mean like COME ON Lor..none of my other collegues like him lor. i mean he has such a greasy, slimy and insincere smile it my skin crawl, n makes me wanna puke. N when i see him smiling and grinning at customers, i jus wanna roll my eyes. UIRgh. and that time my frends came to eat, he sauntered over and tried chatting up to them, and my frends were complaining wad a complete irritant he was! ( is?) which i totally agree! And whenever there is like no business , who gets the blame? Dawn. its me this, its DAWN that. sighz. im the door hostess, and my jobis to usher pple in and to sell our food, and to cheat and trick pple into someing into our restaurant. the smart ones dun fall for it, n the rest do. i feel so sorry for them sometimes, coz i know how convincing i can be ( customers have told me so) ahh..indeed the power of persuation..anywae when we dun get business, he will accuse me of not dragging customers in, for making him lose customers, and for being inattentive and un-alert. like pls lor, if pple dun wanna eat i cant like drag them in right. i can't possibly force them lor. i have already tried my utmost best to try to persuade them in already lor. Anywae, he is usually quite bad to his staff. So much for the 'we-r-all-one-family, i care alot for my staff, we r very nice pple, staff welfare' kinda shit. its all fake fake fake fake and unreal lor yupz, and when u get into the job all u get is crap. its funny, he gave the same speech to all my collegues but all of us r getting a different treatment now. basically, concentration camp has never looked this good before. i never tot id say this but im starting to miss out of the pan. at least i get less pressure there. i feel like this great big burden is on my shoulders now, coz the boss keeps expecting pple to eat and if they dun its ALL MY FAULT. hello..and the manager from other restaurants have also blamed me for stealing their business. like its my fault. its my job, im paid to do it and i dun have a choice lor. if i dun do my job i get fired. Its a thankless job. and i realised my AM is another hire and fire like no one's business type.. sounds too familiar.. he is SOOOOO syed..

sighz..

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/27/2003

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

my weird sense of humour struck agaiN!!!!! haha...
this guy behind me in the bus sneezed so thunderously and loudly that i literally jumped up from my seat!( so did the person next to me) i mean it really gave me quite a shock. i think i must have had this really horrified expression on my face coz all the passengers around me were staring at me and laughing. But i was really quite appalled. and that guy kept coughing and choking after that, and i became very uncomfortable. He sounded like he was very very very sick or something, and in the end i jus moved away. i mean this guy does not even noe the basic fundamentals of hygiene, i mean he didnt even cover his mouth each time he coughed or sneezed. i was very tempted to tell him off. Plus he had damnn bad BO, so anywae that was as much as i could take, and since i dun really wanna die of SARS so early ( take precautions) i jus moved aside. very soon, everyone else was moving aside too. i mean that guy kept coughing and coughing and i could really see droplets of saliva fly thru the air. it was scary.

anywae, after a while i caught the eye of this other passenger on the bus ( who moved away too) and we both jus started laughing and laughing non stop. i dunno why also. i think we were mad or something..i dunno what was so funny..but i jus couldnt stop laughing!

anywae, today my neighbours' dog escaped from their house! he squeezed thru our fence, so when i saw this huge brown dog trotting gaily round our garden barking, it was too much for me. i jus couldnt stop laughing agaiN! and my mum's reaction was even funnier. She was just staring at it nonchalently saying its been in the garden quite a few times already. And that was too much, sometimes my mum is just damnn funny. i mean a normal mum's reaction would be to scream and shriek, but my mum was just cooly dismissing it. sometimes i think my mum over-reacts over the wrong issues, and dosen't even react at all when she should be reacting. ( hmm..)

todae after work, i borrowed jonathan's blades , and bladed along the esplanade. Gosh! it was like the shiok'est feeling ever. the path was smooth, no one was walking on the pathway, and the feeling of the night wind rushing past my face was like damnn shiok lor..and i think i muz have loooked quite a sight. i was wearing this formal blouse ( the type with buttons in front) and a slinky black skirt. i was wearing what i call the typical ushering-in-church-on-sunday outfit ( i tink my church frends will noe wad i mean) and with the blades and everything it was a complete mismatch can! i mean..who goes blading in a skirt???? but when i saw his new skates i jus couldn't resist. And boy were they good quality man ( i mean for $240...it had better be good!!!!!) and the wind kept blowing my skirt up, but i didnt even care. i think it was like totally crazy, but it was such a wonderful feeling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so gonna do this again. Some poeple were giving me strange looks but i mean when ure having this much fun who cares? it was jus one of those on the impulse things. anywae, as i said. sometimes, doing crazy things jus make u feel so good.

once again. you need to go a little crazy sometimes to stay sane

:OP

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/22/2003

Monday, April 21, 2003

~~~~~~~~**********************************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hOOraYYy...im gonna be obeSe sooN..i jus had twenty chocolate coated strawberries from chocolate box and they were absolutely sedap! the best thing is i dun even feel guilty abt it!!! hahaha..and plus i still have supper waiting.
sometimes the best things in life are those that can be eaten
hehe..

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/21/2003

i think i have a really weird sense of humour.
i laugh at the most inappropriate things, i laugh at the most inappropriate times. and i can't control it. Either im a sadist or im just weird. Im figuring the latter
today on the mrt on the way home, i sneezed 3 times in a row ( i covered my mouth ok) and now u noe with all this SARS thingy going on,. this guy beside me immediately starting fanning the air frantically and giving me a VERY DIRTY LOOK. Now it wasnt funny, but i dunno why i just burst out laughing uncontrollably. i couldnt stop, and everyone on the train carriage was staring at me giving me weird looks. i tried to use my book to muffle my laughter and to hide it but apparently it didnt quite work out. In retaliation, the guy coughed a few times right in my face without even covering his mouth, and glared at me. HOwever, instead of making me mad, he made me laugh even more. By that time i was laughing so hard i thought i wld never stop. and i dun even noe i was laughing. i jus think the whole situation is funny, but yet i dunno wads so funny abt it.
see..i told u..i laugh at the strangest things
ill the the one laughing at all my frens' unfunniest jokes, the lamest jokes
ill be the one laughing at my own jokes
ill be the one laughing at mr prince's jokes while the entire class will be rolling their eyes and groaning.
and when the teacher is scolding the class, u can be sure im the one giggling at the back. i dunno why? its not funny but i just laugh. And when i watch a gory movie, sometimes the grossest parts jus totally crack me uP! and ill be the only one in the theatre laughing and everyone is glaring at me. i tink im jus weird really..haha

but don't you agree, that sometimes the only way to stay sane is to go a little bit crazy? think about it.

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/21/2003

Sunday, April 20, 2003

http://i-squad.net/cgi-bin/tvt-records.cgi?sf=1&s=yes&u=glassveins&a=NOTHINGFACE

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/20/2003

Saturday, April 19, 2003

the list of thou shalts and thou shalt nots..( again and again but since when do i ever keep to all these lists anywae??)

1) thou shalt not be so loud
2)thou shalt not be so rough
3) thou shalt act like a girl, be like a girl, tink like a girl...
4) thou shalt be gentle
5) thou shalt not be such a chatter box
6) thou shalt be feminine
7) thou shalt act like a girl
8)thou shalt behave like a girl
9)thou shalt behave like a girl
10) thou shalt behave like a girl
11) behave like a girll...
...behave like a girl..

..behave like a girl.
behave like a girl...
behave like a girl..
,,,behave like a girl..
..behave like a girl..
.behave like a girl..
..behave like a girl..

no wonder i keep attracting all the wrong kind of guys and never the ones i like
sigh.

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/19/2003

its been some time, and as time passes, i tink u r right. we dun have much to talk abt these days. but when i keep thinking back abt the past i start to feel so bad because i never appreciated wad i had. never. I have had so many good things in my life but i never learnt to appreciate them when they were around. and now when i lose things its my fault.
its always my fault. for not appreciating, not cherishing, not treasuring
i treat objects around me like that, i treat pple around me like that. No wonder i deserved this end man.
you were a good fren.
all along.
u were my best fren
always.
i never called u a fair weathered fren, not an enemy, not anything else..
i only called u my fren
thats all u ever were to me
my fren
my fren
my fren
and you tell me i seem pretty disturbed by the whole issue.
i laugh becoz it makes me wonder if all our frenship was to u was just "an issue"
it made me laugh becoz i tink disturb is an understatement
no no nono, i jus lose one of my best frends ever, and im not supposed to be "disturbed" im supposed to be laughing,
yeah. im laughing, im laughing so hard now, and im still wondering what the heck the joke is about. what so funny? i dunno. i really dunno.
i feel totally wrecked with guilt becoz u were such a fren to me. and i didnt even realise it. you put up with all my crap, u stood by me when others wldnt, and still i did not even treasure u. i am so guilty now becoz u deserved better
u deserved alot better and i did not give it to u
i did not see how u were always there
not necessarily comforting me the way i would have wanted it to be, but still being there
how could i expect the perfect fren when i was ( am) so imperfect myself
dawn what the heck were u tinking of?
how could u have been so crazy?

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/19/2003

Sunday, April 13, 2003

i got your letter. .though i know you will probably never read this or even see this , but i need to say it all out because i can't keep it in me
i don't know how to reply to your letter because eventually i know it will be pointless. But i want to tell you that you are wrong. You are not unworthy. because i am the unworthy one.
i couldn't help myself, but the tears just streamed down my face when i read your letter. i could not help it. you know me..so emotional as always. And i haven't treated you the way you deserve to. i am the one thats not a good enough fren
it pains me because i don't understand why you will only remember everything that went wrong but not the things that went right. Not the things that made our frendship worth holding on to.
there are times where i want to hate you so much, but at the end of the day i can't. And im sorry that i got you involved. Im sorry that my whole life is so F**ked up and you had to be involved. i dragged you down into all my SH*T and you didnt deserve that
i can see why u dun think this is worth holding on to. But we did share many good times. The times when i confided into all the deepest secrets of mine, not coz i wanted u to be as screwed up so me, but because i trusted you so much above all, and the times when we laugh so hard and dun even give a damnn whether the whole world stares or not.
i still remember the times when you cry, you never do realise this but when you hurt so much like that..it really pains me to you know? sometimes i say cutting words to you, because i was angry, but not because i meant it. But i will miss the way i can be completely myself in front of you. No masks, no need to hide, no need to pretend to be someone else.
And above all i what i remember and cherished our frendship the mosty was becoz u accepted me. Jus the way i was. My inadequacies, my shortcomings, every single thing. And like you used to say, it was the way i accepted you. I was always willing to listen to your problems, to give you a hand when u need one , to pick you up when u fall, but you never chose to come to me.
how can i show you how much i care if u never even gave me the chance. And the times we quarelled, the times i was mean, the times i was downright horrible... everytime it ended, everytime i regained my senses..i would feel guilty. EVERYTIME. and its true. You dun deserve this. you dun deserve this kind of shit from me. But i jus wan to let you know thruout my two years in college
i alwaes did regard you as my best friend. When i said that i meant it. DId you think i was just joking. You were not a fair weathered friend to me.. i revealed more about myself to you then i ever did to anyone and you know how hard it is for me to do that?i regarded you as the CLOSEST person there ever was to me. Even u used to say, how we were quiet pyschic, we thought abt the same thoughts, sometimes could even finish each others sentences,
u know how good it felt to finally feel so close to someone? I used to talk every night. About every stupid topic. ANd yes we do quarell..alot. very much alot. But i am willing to make an effort to change that, because i don't want to see seven years of frendship down the toilet bowl. because despite the bad, i always remember all teh good times we had. remember how you stood by me. though i know youare not good in comforting pple, the way you clumsily would pat me and ask me to get over it,
but then i dun care abt all of that now. i dun care if ure like shit at comforting pple, i dun give a damnn abt whether u wanna hear my problems. i don't. BEcause it was my fault. i expected too much, and wen expectations wasnt met, i got unhappy. And how could i even dare to expect so much, when i wasnt giving enuff in return. but i wan u to noe tt i was alwaes sincere in everything i said. you know it. tHat i did and do still genuinely care for you. ANd its hard to stop. You saw the worst side of me
but you didnt condemm me..u saw everything there was in me, and im transparent, though sometimes we have difficulty in understanding each other, and though we are so un-alike, but no one said frends had to be alike. ANd its my fault for not cherishing you enuff, fornot knowing how to show i care. i cry when we quarell becoz it hurts so much.
and imnot some upper class elite girl. i am nothing. nothing at all. im jus an ordinary girl. i am NOTHING. AND even though both of us are changing and moving in opposite directions, but i can't let go. because ill always rememver in my most lonely times i had you, as i hope you will remember how in ur saddest times, u used to turn to me first.
i do care for you, if u can't see it then i cant't do anything. If you dont't give me a chance to care i can't do anything. If u ant to walk away i can't do anything. but all i can see is that ill always be waiting on the other side. And if ever one day you need a fren, or just someone to turn to, u noe u always have me. i dun care whether i have u get it? i jus wan u to know tt YOU HAVE ME. and i mean it
and when it seems like theres no one else left for you here. i am here. always. i promise. should we walk different directions, u noe u can find me whenever u need to.
as im saying these words, my chest feels constricted, i feel as though its getting very hard for me to breathe. when i saw your letter, i could actually feel a physical pain in my heart. it hurts. ithurts so much that you say all this. as if i never once cared for u, as if we didnt once share a special frendship.
but what can i do? if u can't believe me. im sorry i can't be the kind of fren u want.im sorry for being so imperfect, im sorry i had to screw everything up. im so sorry but its already too late.

even though these words may seem too good to be true. you know i don't say things until i mean it. You know i dont't throw sweet words around frivolously, u noe tt i won't say it till i mean it
you know all this. you know it, you know it , you know it. because you know me.

and even if you should forget all this. you only need to know one thing. i am still you frend regardless of what.
i am still here, always here, and when u get tired of everything else, and even when its dark, jus reach for me. im here. im waiting right here.

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/13/2003

sometimes u jus reach a point when u just feel so downright helpless, useless, and pointless. yup.
the day i went shoeless in public and was homeless was jus one of those times. Im quite glad i managed to put up at glady's house fer the nite or it would have been the streets for me.
im surprised she even let me put up at her home. ah well..at least i know she cares. haha..or more likely she appreciated the company, since all her "darlings" ( read: korean and jap vCds) are gone. So shes damnn bored, and she
welcomes my company. yup. come to think of it, it was quite a strange but funny nite. We were sitting on the couch stuffing ourselves with ice cream, potatoe chips, and cup noodles, while playing monopoly ( which got boring after a while), Tai de, and other crappy games..
and yes..the strangest thing was that we were playing with her younger bro, and hes not THAT BAD after all. YEs, we were doing all this and more at 3 am in the morning. Anything beats sleeping on the streets i guess

anywae im telling u that the funniest things always happen at her place, and gladys still manages to remain nonchalent abt it all. maybe coz either im 1) unused to it 2) im jus cracking myself up, laughing at my own jokes.
i tink number two has a higher possibility. anywae, the funny thing was that the next morning, after we woke up ( arnd ten plus) her bro was still asleep in his room. then his fren sauntered into the house
and cooly walked over to his room. After sometime, the fren still didnt come out of the room so i was wondering wad the heck he was doing in there
i sneaked a peek, and to my horro and amusement, the bro was still sleeping, and the fren has climbed onto the the bed, socks and all, and was lying beside him????
hello..talk abt weird lor. FRen comes in uncalled fer early in the morning and climbs into bed with her brother, and acts as if its the MOST NORMAL thing in the world
i can't tell u how funny it was, coz u've got to see it for urself to understand. it looked so gay that it was highly amusing. And gladys didnt even bat an eyelid. i tink shes used to things like that.
anywae at least ive gotten back a home now. i jus felt so worthless that day. As if life had no meaning at all and that there wasnt a single soul in the world who'd even giva damnnn abt u. its things like that that justmakes u feel like crumpling into a heap onto the floor and start bawling
coz u noe ure sad, u act sad, and wen u noe ure pathetic, thats the way u act. i feel deflated, like all the air is rapidly departing from ur body, and ur lungs feel so constricted ...u feel like u've got SARs or even worse. ( now what could be worse)
u feel like ur can't breath, u feel giddy, u just feel like u need to sit down ( fast), and ur legs feel weak, and that u need a break. MAybe even a permanent break. i guess when u parents expect u to deal with walking bare footed in public theres a high chance u could feel this way
im probabaly psychologically damaged. Oh well what the heck. i was already psychologically malfunctioning since the beginning already. what difference does this make?

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/13/2003

Saturday, April 12, 2003

IF forgiveness really that easy?

i said sorry. i admitted that it was to a certain extent my fault. But these words mean nothing to you. I admit that i am not a good enough friend to you. I am trying but somehow it aint good enough.
but i promised you no matter what happened you'd always be my friend. And each time i get mad at you, each time i want to hate you, each time i wanna call it quits, i just can't bring myself to do so. why?i don't know why. i don't know why. i don't know why. And i sometmes keep telling myself to hate you, to hate you, to hate you, but i just can't do it. And even in my mind i keep thinking i will NEVER EVER forgive u, my heart just won't let me do so. To you letting go of frendship may be the easiest thing of all, but u know me. u know it isnt the case for me. U know how much i treasure human relationships ..so very much.
But Pms is not an excuse
it never is
it never was.
it is not POSSIBLe for someone to PMS all the time.
you DON'T PMS all the time. Its a biological fact
if u wan ure bf to give u some attention, u wan him to give way to u, then yes, PMs is an excuse,
u wan ur PE teacher to be less harsh on u, then yes pms is an excuse ( even though its not the case with SOME PE teachers)
but when u say hurtful and abusive words to a fren, when u jus dun respect a fren, u just dun think she's worth it. and u jus wanna vent it all out on ur fren, then pms is not an excuse. it was never, it is not, and it will never be.

my paranoia, my insecurities, all led me to this stage , i can't hardly control my emotions. i express the way i care in a way that isnt really right. everything around be seems to be swirling madly, and i can't even see straight. I am getting confused. And confused over what i don't even know. confused confused confused. One moment happy, yet one moment depressed. i dun even know how to feel anymore.

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/12/2003

" im sorry that i have to be the one always in the wrong, and shes always right,
im sorry i have to be satan..and im even sorrier that she has to be an angel,
and most of all im downright sorry i ever existed"

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/12/2003

Thursday, April 10, 2003

..spiralling into madness...

i am degenerating and i know it
im depressed and i know it
i am half-crazy or rather ...almost crazy and i know it...
i am paranoid and i know it.

i aint dramatizing this.

sometimes i wish i was invisible.

then when someone ignores me at least i have a valid excuse

..or rather, sometimes i jus want to be ignored
i jus wanna disappear u noe? sink into this hole on the ground, and be lost to the world forever.

i know i should "snap outta it" but i can't.
sigh

a few days ago i was shoeless, and homeless ( and very possibly brainless)..and life just sucked. its kinda bound to when u have got to walk around public Barefooted and the entire world stares at u as if ure some kinda raving loony when all ure trying to do is avoid stepping on that spit and mud on the dirty ground. i mean ure barefooted after all..for crying out loud

few days later i have finally gotten shoes, finally gotten home but somehow my life still sucks.
its actually getting worse if thats possible.

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/10/2003